Family Harmony for the Holidays - and Beyond
Traditions play an important role in families and most of us feel the holidays are a good time to come together and reinforce those traditions. Some people look forward to these gatherings, while others approach them with great trepidation, especially when sibling rivalries, lingering animosities, and conflict or concerns over the health and welfare of aging parents cast a shadow over family events. Here are a few tips that may help you to navigate difficult family dynamics.
Focus on the Season
Remember - you are visiting to celebrate a holiday; it’s not the time to try and repair all family issues in a matter of 48 hours. Keep things as positive as possible and remind yourself that the best way to influence change in others is to lead by example. Address your own shortcomings first. After all, we do not have control over anyone else’s actions at these events; only our own.
Be especially aware of how your attitude and behavior toward other family members can affect young children and aging relatives. At both ends of the age spectrum, family environment can influence behavior and self-image.
If mom or dad has undergone a recent change in health or circumstance, keep expectations reasonable. Importantly, don’t add to the stress by instigating or fueling arguments. Remember that the concerns you and your siblings have about your parents are mutual. Use your time together to celebrate the best of what your family can be and schedule follow up phone calls or visits with siblings to discuss more difficult matters after the holiday.
Plan ahead
If you live out of town, realize things may have changed with mom and dad since the last time you saw them. Depending on their age, they may be showing signs of decline that make them feel incompetent or resentful. Prepare to handle changes with grace. Spend most of this visit listening and observing, rather than criticizing or voicing your opinion.
Plan ahead to deal with difficult family dynamics also. Think about your “hot buttons” and expect that your siblings will push them. Develop a strategy for managing challenging situations as they arise. More importantly, be aware of the buttons you always push and try not to push them!
Follow up on Concerns
After the holidays be sure to address any major concerns with parents and siblings. Call your parents and let them know how nice it was to see them. Ask how things are going now that the holidays are over and let them know you are available to listen if they want to discuss anything regarding their home, long term plans or changing health. Call each week, as this will give you the opportunity to turn those calls into productive discussions about serious issues.
Allow your parents to describe their best case scenario for the future. Embrace what they are saying and attempt to see things from their perspective before letting them know what you envision. If you don’t agree with your parents, don’t push your views on them, but gently reveal options that they may not be aware of or have yet to consider. To age with dignity they must be respected for those decisions, even if you do not fully agree.
Don’t hesitate to consult with experts. If mom and dad are exhibiting signs of decline and seem to be struggling with finances, household tasks or health issues, you may not be the most qualified person to help them. Family dynamics, sibling rivalry and parent-child dysfunction may actually exacerbate what is already a difficult situation for your parents. There are a number of experts who can help without the emotional liability. Qualified financial advisors, elder law attorneys, senior advocates, care managers, social workers, Realtors, and Caring Transitions -- move managers and estate sale experts -- can assist with many of the most common issues.
Contact Caring Transitions today for a free quote or to purchase services for mom and dad! Find us via Meredith Morris, [email protected] or 708-406-6071.
Traditions play an important role in families and most of us feel the holidays are a good time to come together and reinforce those traditions. Some people look forward to these gatherings, while others approach them with great trepidation, especially when sibling rivalries, lingering animosities, and conflict or concerns over the health and welfare of aging parents cast a shadow over family events. Here are a few tips that may help you to navigate difficult family dynamics.
Focus on the Season
Remember - you are visiting to celebrate a holiday; it’s not the time to try and repair all family issues in a matter of 48 hours. Keep things as positive as possible and remind yourself that the best way to influence change in others is to lead by example. Address your own shortcomings first. After all, we do not have control over anyone else’s actions at these events; only our own.
Be especially aware of how your attitude and behavior toward other family members can affect young children and aging relatives. At both ends of the age spectrum, family environment can influence behavior and self-image.
If mom or dad has undergone a recent change in health or circumstance, keep expectations reasonable. Importantly, don’t add to the stress by instigating or fueling arguments. Remember that the concerns you and your siblings have about your parents are mutual. Use your time together to celebrate the best of what your family can be and schedule follow up phone calls or visits with siblings to discuss more difficult matters after the holiday.
Plan ahead
If you live out of town, realize things may have changed with mom and dad since the last time you saw them. Depending on their age, they may be showing signs of decline that make them feel incompetent or resentful. Prepare to handle changes with grace. Spend most of this visit listening and observing, rather than criticizing or voicing your opinion.
Plan ahead to deal with difficult family dynamics also. Think about your “hot buttons” and expect that your siblings will push them. Develop a strategy for managing challenging situations as they arise. More importantly, be aware of the buttons you always push and try not to push them!
Follow up on Concerns
After the holidays be sure to address any major concerns with parents and siblings. Call your parents and let them know how nice it was to see them. Ask how things are going now that the holidays are over and let them know you are available to listen if they want to discuss anything regarding their home, long term plans or changing health. Call each week, as this will give you the opportunity to turn those calls into productive discussions about serious issues.
Allow your parents to describe their best case scenario for the future. Embrace what they are saying and attempt to see things from their perspective before letting them know what you envision. If you don’t agree with your parents, don’t push your views on them, but gently reveal options that they may not be aware of or have yet to consider. To age with dignity they must be respected for those decisions, even if you do not fully agree.
Don’t hesitate to consult with experts. If mom and dad are exhibiting signs of decline and seem to be struggling with finances, household tasks or health issues, you may not be the most qualified person to help them. Family dynamics, sibling rivalry and parent-child dysfunction may actually exacerbate what is already a difficult situation for your parents. There are a number of experts who can help without the emotional liability. Qualified financial advisors, elder law attorneys, senior advocates, care managers, social workers, Realtors, and Caring Transitions -- move managers and estate sale experts -- can assist with many of the most common issues.
Contact Caring Transitions today for a free quote or to purchase services for mom and dad! Find us via Meredith Morris, [email protected] or 708-406-6071.
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